Where does one go when a holiday rolls around that celebrates the joys of motherhood–the love that so many receive from their mothers and all the hard work they pour into their children? Where does one go when her own mother poured in things to her child that has taken therapy, prayer, and distance to heal? I’ll tell you where that person goes: to her (or his) heart. Yesterday I woke up so sad. I often do on holidays–especially holidays that celebrate normalcy and family.
My first response is sadness
because I must mourn before I can rejoice.
Let me be clear, I have much to be thankful for: I have found my voice, I have learned life giving lessons, and I have married into a family full of adult siblings and in-laws who love me wholeheartedly.
Yet. I must acknowledge my sadness before I can celebrate. I must acknowledge the dark before I can step into the light. That is my way to get “to the other side”–to get to the other stuff–I must be present to THE ALL OF IT.
So, yesterday morning. I woke slowly, I lingered in bed, I rolled around and felt the deep sorrow of a day when I cannot celebrate a woman for her motherliness. I will honor her and respect her, but I will not celebrate. Slowly I got up, moved around, kissed my kids and husband, and found my way to my chair in my study. I curled up in it. Matt brought me coffee and breakfast and let me be.
That’s what love looks like to me:
offering sustenance to a sad heart and giving her space.
Later on my people found me still in my chair, showered me with love and third grade poetry, and then let me linger in that space; orbiting around me just far enough so that I felt tethered to the here and now. I was able to get out of my chair after I sat with my sadness. Of course it gurgled to the surface throughout the day, but it required much less of my attention had I ignored it.
This is what I want to say: honor your sadnesses, look at them, allow them to be what they are, turn them over in your hand, and allow them to bless you. For they are a part of your journey–but they are not THE ALL OF IT. You are more than the sum of your parts.
May peace be yours this day and every day as you walk on your path to freedom.